One of my seminary professors once told us the story of when he neglected to inform his wife that he would be out of the country for 10 days. He came home from the trip to find his wife, irate and holding his toothbrush. Her first words to him were, “You took my toothbrush!” She was not able to say what she was really angry about.

It wasn’t about the toothbrush.

The toothbrush was a symbol of all the ways he hadn’t been communicating well. She brought up the toothbrush because the toothbrush had become for her a symbol. Seeing the symbol activated all the pent up emotions associated with communication difficulties.

The lesson of the toothbrush has stayed with me all these years. It has helped me find perspective along the way. When the patient yelled at staff about the TV volume, I knew it wasn’t about the TV. When the church member got in a huff about the length of the worship service, I suspected it wasn’t really about the length of service. When my nephew screwed his face up and threw his fish sandwich on the floor, I had no idea what it was, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t about the sandwich.

For the patient, the TV was a symbol of all the ways he didn’t have control over his environment. For the church member, the length of service stood in for their disappointment of not being fed spiritually during worship. My nephew’s fish sandwich symbolized… I don’t think it was really a symbol; it was simply in his hand at that moment and got thrown because he was mad. He was upset about a current event and didn’t know how to begin to express himself.

It was never about the toothbrush.